male team won't talk to me

A reader writes:

I am a female (in my thirties) working within a team of men (IT developers). I am a new role for me as a business analyst. I have been working in the team for approximately 6 months, and if they didn't say hello to me in the morning, they wouldn't speak to me at all. They speak fine to each other, often joking around, but spend the rest of the time with headphones on while they do their work.

I've tried initiating conversation with them. They respond well, but they don't initiate conversation with me. For example: I need to ask them how their weekends were, they won't ask me the same question. It is like pulling teeth. I am not sure what I am doing wrong.

I am frustrated that I cannot get to know these guys. They go to lunch with each other at least once a week and I am not invited. I am really not sure how to break the ice and get these guys talking and communicating with me. I have mentioned this to my manager (who I used to work with in another position) but he cut from a very similar cloth as the guys I am trying to get to know.

Warning: I'm about to make a wild generalization. Many men who work in IT don't have great social skills around people who aren't like them and/or aren't comfortable with the kind of small talk and chit chat that can be normal social currency in other groups.

Many men in IT don't fit this profile -- in fact, I've somehow ended up with an IT team who don't fit this stereotype at all (and if they're reading this, I don't want them to think I'm talking about them because I'm not). But for whatever reason, the field certainly attracts a decent share of guys who get along really well with guys who are like them, but not so easily with others. (Here are a couple of interesting takes on this.)

So I'd caution you against thinking that this is deliberate or about you. I think it's more likely that this is just how these guys are with everyone except other developers and they don't even know they're making you feel shut out.

What can you do to build relationships with them? Pay attention to what interests them (probably not small talk about their weekends, but try technical topics); ask them intelligent questions about complex subjects they know well, and listen to their answers; and don't take it personally if it takes a while.

Also, read The Nerd Handbook (his term, not mine) over at Rands in Repose, written by an engineering manager.

What do others think?

applying for a promotion vs. going to graduate school

A reader writes:

I work for a large non-profit, and absolutely love my job. My boss is leaving soon, and her position will be available. I have been at my job for a year, and could apply. As much as I love what I do now, I'm ready to learn new skills and am eager to move up the ladder. My performance reviews have been positive and I have a solid relationship with everyone in my department. A coworker recently confided in me that she is applying for our boss' job. I do not want to cause conflict in my workplace, nor do I want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. We all work very closely together. My coworker is more qualified than I am because she has an advanced degree, yet I have a better relationship with our boss' boss. Should I still apply for the job? If I don't get it, how much negative impact could it have on my relationship with my coworker (who would be my new boss)? If I stay in my current position, there is no possibility of a raise or much change in what I do.

An additional factor complicates my decision: I have been accepted to graduate school in another state, but cannot afford to go at this point. The degree I'd have would allow me many more opportunities in my field, but I could not work here and attend school simultaneously. I will likely not hear about financial aid until after my boss leaves and the hiring decision has been made. I have informed my boss and coworkers of this situation. I have the opportunity to defer my admission to the graduate school. Should I accept having debt, or stay another year in my job to save up?

I know I don't have a bad hand, but I'm struggling with what to do. Any advice you have to offer is very much appreciated.

If you think you want your boss' job, you should apply. However, be prepared for your employer to tell you that they can't consider you for it unless you're planning to put off grad school for longer than a year. They're probably not going to want to move you into a new position with management responsibilities if you're going to leave a year later -- there's going to be a learning curve and you're not going to really hit your stride in any new job for six months or so, so it wouldn't make sense for them to train you if you're going to leave so quickly. So you'll likely need to choose between this job or grad school for the time being.

How do you choose? By how much you want each option. And by how likely each is to get you to wherever you want to go. You say grad school will make you eligible for many more jobs -- but might this promotion have a similar effect?

In any case, if you do decide to apply for it, you should tell your coworker yourself before she hears it from someone else. You're going to feel weird about telling her you're both competing for the same job, but just be straightforward about it. Tell her you think she'd do a great job at it and will welcome her as your new boss if that's how it shakes out ... but that you feel like you owe it to yourself to try for it too. If you both handle it maturely, it'll be fine. (And if she does end up getting the job, she's far more likely to be worried about you feeling weird about it than to have any negative feelings toward you.)

And hey, if you end up as a boss, you're going to have to deal with all kinds of weird and awkward situations, so consider this training.

Personally, I think you should go for it. But I have a bias toward work over school.

battle between old employees and new

A reader writes:

The company I work for as the HR manager first of all is a small, family-run business and has employees who've been with us since day 1 (25 years ago) and have been loyal and worked long and hard to help us get to where we're at today. The problem is times and attitudes have changed since then - but they haven't. There's a serious conflict of old versus new - and behaviors that may have been overlooked 20-odd years ago are proving to be unacceptable but hard to break now. As a result, there's a serious rift in the office between "us" and "them," the "old" versus the "young/new."

These older individuals constantly butt heads with the newer ones and it has gotten personal on several occasions. Ultimately, it ends up adversely affecting the customer, which is of course a huge concern for management. The relationship that management has with these older persons is also a personal as well as professional one so it makes the situation even more delicate. The newer ones have genuinely tried to make amends but to no avail, and it's breeding hostility, resentment and all round bad faith and mistrust.

Management is at its wits end. We've spoken with both sides on several occasions. We've tried to impress upon the older staff that they should take the lead in setting things right (this hasn't happened). The younger decision-makers (like myself and my husband) are really of the opinion that we'd rather get rid of 2 people than lose 6 - but upper management feels very uneasy about letting these people go because of their long-standing relationship.

What's the next step now?

When I first received this letter, I couldn't tell whether either side had an actual performance problem, or whether it was just a case of the two sides not getting along with each other. I wrote back and asked, and the letter-writer responded that the older side has an attitude problem that often affects performance since both sides are dependent on each other for any given job.

So. Why is management at wit's end? Management has authority to change things; it's just choosing not to use it.

Your management is uneasy about letting long-term employees go. And they should be uneasy, based on the way they've handled this so far. Up until now, it sounds like you've tried to persuade the problem employees that they must change, trying to coax them into it -- instead of set clear, non-negotiable standards and setting clear consequences for not following those standards. So far, your employees don't believe your demands have any teeth, because by allowing the behaviors to continue after multiple conversations, you've signaled that you're not willing to enforce those rules. It wouldn't be fair to fire them without having explicitly told them that was a possibility.

Instead, someone (you or whoever in the organization has the authority to do it) needs to sit down with the problem employees (individually, not as a group) and tell them clearly what must change and what the consequences will be for not changing. Give specifics about what you need them to do differently, and explain that their jobs will be in jeopardy if they don't meet that bar. For instance: "We've talked about this in the past and we haven't seen the changes we need. It's now at the point where I need to tell you that if we don't see significant, immediate improvement in this area, we would have to let you go. You've been a good employee and I hope you will be here for many more years, but that won't happen if we don't get on the same page about this."

If they argue with you, nicely explain that this isn't their decision to make, and that if they're not able to work happily under those conditions, this may not be the right job for them. See this post for some ideas on this.

By the way, if your upper management won't agree to this -- if they won't agree to set and enforce consequences -- then they're choosing to live with the problem. If so, at that point, you should all stop being all wit's end because a deliberate decision will have been made to accept the behavior. And for all I know, maybe that's a reasonable decision; maybe the problem is annoying but not bad enough to warrant firing. Plenty of problems fit that category. (And maybe you want less serious consequences instead, like telling them it will affect future performance evaluations and raises.) But either way, you all need to get on the same page about it: Either there are serious consequences or there aren't.

Good luck!

reporting a coworker

A reader writes:

I work at a wealth management firm for very high-profile clients and I've found myself in the middle of a ethically tough situation.

One of my co-workers, who has grown to be a relatively good friend, has revealed to me that he's begun to date a woman who was in our office doing our internal audit. Our firm hires her firm to review our own books. I already thought this was a bad lapse of judgment, but not my place to say something to our office manager.

At lunch on Thursday, he revealed to me that the auditor had shared with him everyone's salaries as well as how the partners' profit share was distributed. They have only been out a couple times and I feel that she is a complete idiot, for lack of a better phrase, for sharing this about a client.

I feel like I should report this breach of confidentiality on the auditor's part, and my friend for asking her for this information and "feeling good" that he now knows this.

I have been at this company nearly a year and feel I'm doing an excellent job, my friend only started 6 months ago and has had a few performance issues.

I'm also afraid to implicate myself and possibly risk my own position because I did not stop him immediately from sharing information with me - I did not know the scope of what he had found out and was interested at first, but once I realized what I was listening to - I told him to stop and I did not want to know anymore. However, I respect the partners of our firm and have a vested interest in its success and feel regardless of my position, I need to report this serious breach.

Do you feel I need to report this to our office manager, and should I let my friend know beforehand that I will be reporting his conduct? We have not spoken much since Thursday, but he does not know that he disturbed me with his and the auditor's actions.

Wow. The person really in the wrong here is the auditor, much more so than your friend. And I do think that you should let your manager know that the auditor who the firm has hired is disclosing confidential information. It's appallingly bad judgment, not to mention being against every code of conduct that industry has, etc. It's also really bad judgment for her to be dating someone at the place she's auditing; it creates an enormous conflict of interest.

As for your friend, while he's behaving like a bit of a tool, he hasn't done anything so egregious that you need to report it. Lots of people wouldn't refuse to hear this kind of info if it's being offered up; his biggest error was in repeating it to someone else and thus spreading it further, but once salary info gets out, it tends to get repeated.

If you need to mention that you heard about the auditor's indiscretion from him, then so be it -- but your complaint should be about the auditor, not your friend.

when your ex is a coworker -- and a silly one

A reader writes:

I work for a big technology company. We are the market leaders in what we do, and we are looking at doing more cool stuff everyday. And I work for HR in the global headquarters.

I have a 'frenemy' here. We used to date - our company is ok with employees dating and many employees are married to each other - and he treated me pretty badly. I am with a great guy now, but I still hang out with my ex socially.

Me and my ex are from two different cultures, and I am four years elder to him- I am in my middle 20s ( and no, he is not under 20 years ). We have not told our colleagues that we were dating, or that we broke it off.

My ex has posted his almost naked pictures online, posted drunk updates in various social networking platforms detailing his sexual exploits and his level of sexual frustrations, etc. He has even posted on public forums that he is going to apply for a job with a few competitors and has publicly disparaged our products in the past.

My question? To what extent can and should I be concerned? Personally, I would not hire a guy who is like this ( but that is my opinion). But I want to keep my comments professional. I am not sure that many people know that he talks that way about our products online. And yes, he proclaims that he works for us in his social networking profiles. I am yet to see him use our internal feedback and discussion channels to air his concerns about our products and services though.

My dilemma is this - I know more about how he is because of my past and current proximity to him. I have been with the company for around four years and do have a good HR network. I am not sure if I have to tell people who think of hiring him that he exhibits such behavior online. Many of my senior colleagues are not very well versed in social media and are not aware of all this happening in front of a large and varied public audience.

Should I mention that this guy is behaving in this way when someone mentions to me that they are planning to hire him? Or should I keep quiet? I want to be professional, and don't want my behavior to be any way affected by my personal equation with this guy.

Why not talk to your ex and tell him directly that this is the kind of thing that could hurt him professionally? You're in HR so you've probably got some stories of how you've seen this hurt candidates or employees; if he's skeptical, use those stories to clue him in. Tell him that you're worried that it's only a matter of time until this ends up hurting him.

In particular, tell him bluntly that if others in your company see him disparaging the company's products, chances are very good he could end up fired.

(What is up with this guy's judgment?)

Of course, a second option is to ask yourself how you'd handle this if it were any other employee, and then do that. And you could argue that your company is entitled to know that this guy is behaving like an ass. But he's your friend, and it sounds like you have the info that you have specifically because of that friendship and might not have it otherwise, so why not give him a chance to clean it up?

However, if you feel like you're in an awkward situation because you feel you have an obligation to share the info, a middle ground would be to tell him that this is the sort of thing that your job could obligate you to share, and that it's putting you in an awkward position, but that you want to give him a chance to clean it up before it comes to that. Then leave it in his hands and see if he pulls it together or not.

What do others think?

telling someone she needs to look more professional

A friend and reader writes:

My friend, who we'll call Kate, is having a problem with one of her staffers, let's call her Jane. Jane is a staff assistant and a hard worker who wants to stay in the office and move up the ladder.

Kate likes Jane, but some people in the office don't take Jane seriously. Part of this is that she's not assertive enough, which Kate has talked to her about. The other part is her appearance. [Insert disclaimer about how appearance shouldn't matter here], but this is an office where people are judgmental and you need to cater to that to get ahead. Jane is the first person you see when you enter this office, and her clothes don't fit quite right (her mother makes them for her), she doesn't wear make up, and her hair is kind of a mess. Jane is young, and Kate has told her she should try to figure out how to look older and more professional, but that didn't really work.

Kate really likes Jane and wants her to move ahead, but she's not sure how to get these points across. Her concern with coming out and saying "You need better clothes, to wear makeup, and get a new haircut" is that Jane will get offended. Do you have any advice on what she should do?

How comfortable is Kate with candid, potentially awkward conversations?

Telling Jane to try to look more professional hasn't worked, so Kate is going to need to get more explicit about what that means.

Ideally, Kate would talk to Jane somewhere private -- maybe take her out for coffee or something -- and say, "Hey, I think this professional look thing is something you're struggling with, and I don't know if you realize it's something that will affect how you're perceived. And I think you have tons of potential and so I want to help."

One way to minimize the awkwardness is to explain that it's not uncommon for recent grads to struggle with this. I'm a big fan of just saying, "Someone had this conversation with me when I was starting out and it was really helpful, so I'm going to have it with you." The vibe should be "you're not a freak for needing someone to help you with this."

Then, rather than saying that Jane looks messy, it's probably more tactful to present it in terms of needing to come across as more polished. And she should definitely explain what she means by that, because it's quite possible that Jane has no idea. Saying something like, "In this office, it really helps to pick clothes that are more tailored and wear your hair in a more polished way" is more useful than just "you look unkempt."

If Jane replies that she can't get different clothes on her salary, Kate should be prepared to suggest low-cost options. You can get business suits in thrift stores, after all.

(By the way, I would probably leave makeup out of it, since I think there are plenty of professional-looking women who don't care for lipstick.)

So ultimately, my advice is really these two points: Be specific about what you mean, and do it in a way where Jane can feel normal.

What do others think?

UPDATE: A different friend just sent me this, which I think is a good point: "I think she could bring it up, be direct, etc. like you said, but when I've had this conversation, all with people who respect me and look for me to give them advice, they haven't listened and were hurt/offended.
I kind of think that this is the sort of thing the person has to want to hear. I think she needs to know why she wears the clothes -- because she likes them? Because she likes that her mom makes them? Because she doesn't have the money? Because she doesn't care about how she looks? Because she's still in the college mindset? I think the answer to that really directs what the person should do next."

should managers organize "fun" at work?

A reader writes:

Obviously with these difficult economic times, employees are feeling stressed, burned out, and anxious, among other things. Being fairly new to the HR industry, I think that more fun activities (such as cook-offs, cookie decorating for V-Day, and maybe even a corn-hole tournament in the summer) should be introduced to the staff to help relieve some of the tension. I was thinking about having at least one fun activity every other month.

Shouldn’t employees be able to have fun at work? Do you think this could be an effective way to improve morale? Is there such a thing as scheduling too many activities that it could actually take away from productivity? The reason why I ask the last question is because I’m thinking about maybe showing a short movie at lunch time in a week, then another employee is scheduling an activity two weeks after that and then Valentine’s Day is approaching and I was thinking about having an activity for that holiday… Thanks!

I'm going to be Scrooge here. Yes, there's such a thing as too many activities impacting productivity. Fundamentally, employees are there to get things done. So really, every activity you plan that takes them away from that impacts their productivity. You've got to think about what the mission of the company is, and how using their time in the ways you propose contributes to that.

Of course, presumably your thinking is that by increasing fun at work, you increase people's morale, which ultimately leads to higher productivity. And it's true that higher morale tends to equal higher productivity. But is "fun" the way to do it? I'm going to argue it's not, and here's why.

For most people, morale and quality of life at work isn't about having a series of fun activities, but rather about having coworkers you like, a boss who is fair and effective, the resources you need to do your job, recognition for good work, clear expectations, and so forth. In fact, without these things, planned activities can really backfire; it can be infuriating to work somewhere that doesn't put much effort into these fundamentals but then expects employees to go wild over a fun outing or social event.

Also, many, many people will resent having their work time used on non-work activities. Show me an office organizing a cookie-decorating session and I will show you a bunch of people wondering why they can't instead just go home an hour earlier if you don't need them doing work during that time. Lots of people want to have their fun on their own time, in the ways they choose and with the people they choose.

Clearly, your motivation is in the right place: You want happy, less stressed employees. But I'd encourage you to think about different ways of achieving your goal. It's not about entertaining them, but about thinking about what they really want -- see the list above -- and finding ways to deliver that to them instead. It's much harder -- but a far more effective path to your goal.

dealing with an annoying coworker

A reader writes:

My boss is my father, and I've worked for him for 4 ½ years. We work in small office with two other employees who work for him. I get along really well with one of them, "Dave"; he's worked with us for about 2 years now. The second of my coworkers, "Kelly," was just hired at the end of this summer. At first it seemed like Kelly and I would get along well, but now it's a completely different story. I don't need to be friends with her, but it's difficult just to even work with her, without going mad.

Kelly is very rude socially. It is clear she doesn't want to be left out of anything. She frequently interrupts conversations I am engaged in with either my father or Dave, and then starts her own conversation. She also regularly interjects her own commentary into conversations she is not involved in. Today, Kelly even commented to me about a matter that I had discussed with Dave, not Kelly, but she was within earshot of hearing about. She will even answer questions that are not directed at her or meant for her to answer. Moreover, Kelly seems to think of herself as an expert on every subject, even if she has little or no background knowledge. Because of all these behaviors, I am constantly biting my tongue around her, but I always end up boiling over on the inside.

I have expressed my frustrations to my father, and while he understands, he has a hard time with confrontation (as do I). He does not want to hurt Kelly's feelings or make her feel badly. She and I are often times the only people in the office for a portion of the day. I would just like her to know how her behavior is negatively affecting me in our very small office. I doubt Kelly is doing these things on purpose. I think (hope) she is just oblivious instead, but she really is driving me crazy. How should I handle it?

First, realize that you will often work with people who you simply don't really like that much. That's the reality of work life. It's highly unlikely that you'll ever find yourself in an office where you aren't irritated by someone in some way.

Next, you are in a small office, which means that everyone's personality traits are magnified. With so few people there, each person takes on a disproportionate influence; everyone's individual traits have far more of an impact than they would in a larger office. It's the nature of a small office.

Furthermore, with only four people, Kelly may not consider what she's doing to be interrupting or eavesdropping. If half the office or three-quarters of the office is discussing something, it even may be reasonable for her to assume it's a conversation open to all.

In any case, you have two basic options: You can be direct with Kelly about her behaviors that bother you, or you can resign yourself to living with them. If you choose to be direct, it means that when Kelly interrupts a conversation she's not a part of, you call her on it: "Actually, Kelly, I wanted to hear what Dave thinks of this." But keep in mind that in this size office, objecting to her participating in the conversation may be rude itself. (Plus, as the boss' daughter, you want to be sensitive to how that might affect the perceived weight of the words.)

Your best bet might be to simply see Kelly's behavior as amusing, rather than infuriating. My sister always advises me, when visiting annoying relatives, to pretend to be one of the many long-suffering characters in Jane Austen novels who have to be pleasant to and patient with irritating relations. It's remarkably effective; it reframes things in a much more amusing (and bearable) context. If you're not a Jane Austen fan, pretend you're on a sitcom and she's the Andy Bernard of the show. This advice is good for all areas of life.

eating at work

A reader writes:

My question is an odd one. It is about a habit of hard-working and busy people: eating at work.

I have a sensitivity to low level irregular noise, especially people chewing, crunching, and rattling cellophane bags. (In fact, I am wearing ear plugs right now to drown out the sound of a young woman crunching chips and digging into her sandwich bag for them.)

I was diagnosed with significant ADHD 3 years ago, which is probably the root. I found a lot of people online are disturbed by the sounds of eating, so much so that they have made up a name for it: soft sound sensitivity syndrome.

Often in their posts, they mention that they don’t say anything to the person bothering them. I wonder how many of your readers would prefer co-workers not eat so much at their desks?

You would hate me. I am constantly chowing down in my office on something or other. Sometimes my desk looks like a buffet table.

I suspect you've already stumbled on the answer: ear phones. What do other people think?

should I tell on a coworker who might have lied about her qualifications?

A reader writes:

I am meant to sign my contract for a new job on this coming Wednesday. When the manager sent the email to me today, it was also sent to a number of people, as we will all be signing our contracts for positions of coordinators for an educational institution. I know someone on the list (say X) who did not have a degree few years ago in 2005. The likelihood that she has a degree now is very slim. One of her very close relative whom I also worked with before had cheated on her qualification. This seems to run in the family.

My manager did not seem to have thoroughly checked the qualifications of all of us. I am seriously in doubt if X has a degree and is liable for such a position. I have worked with colleagues who were not qualified before and have found it to be very depressing. I would not want to have this situation happen again.

What should I do? Should I email my manager and ask him to conduct a thorough check of all of our qualifications? Should I remain silent ? If I should email my manager, how do I approach him? How should I start the email ? Should I call him instead ?

You should do nothing.

You don't even know for sure that the person doesn't have her degree. The person didn't have a degree three years ago, you think chances are "slim" that she has received one since, and one of her relatives lied about her own qualifications. This is hardly conclusive. ("This seems to run in the family"? Come on.)

Besides, even if you did somehow know for sure -- which you don't -- is a degree even a firm requirement for this position? If so, for all you know, the manager waived the requirement for this person, due to her other qualifications.

More importantly, how does this affect you? If you were, say, doctors, and you knew that the person wasn't licensed to practice medicine, then the employer could be legally liable for allowing her to do so, and real harm could be caused to patients, and you would have an obligation to speak up. That doesn't seem to be the case here.

Addressing this with your manager (who you haven't even started working for, no less) would be unfair, make your judgment look questionable, and generally reflect poorly on you. You should drop this.

telling your boss about a slacker coworker

A reader writes:

How do you express concerns about a slacking co-worker to your boss without coming out sounding like a jerk? There is a co-worker in our office who can work hard when they want to, but also likes to spend quite a bit of time visiting with other employees. This same person expects others on the team to "offer" to help with work not finished. In trying to gently point out that if less time was spent visiting and more time working, then maybe help wouldn't need to be offered, the silent treatment is given and makes for an uncomfortable work environment. This person is also extremely critical of what is perceived as others' mistakes or not following through on an issue, and is almost always guilty of the same thing. Now this person wants to re-arrange some of the work assignments so their work load will be lightened, but I have a problem with that when if more time was spent working and less time visiting there wouldn't be a need to re-arrange.

First, excellent job in not giving away the slacker's gender. However, for ease of discussion, I'm going to decide he's male and refer to him as such. No slight intended to the men.

Okay, I'm going to break this down into two questions: how to deal with his attempt to push his work onto you, and how/whether to talk to your manager about him.

1. In dealing with his attempt to get others to help him finish his work because he wasted time goofing off, just politely refuse. Be nice about it and don't try to teach him a lesson by explaining that he created his own situation, but simply don't let him pressure you into doing it. Sample refusals: "I'm sorry but I'm slammed with deadlines." "Wish I could help but I've got my hands full." And so forth. By not helping him cover up the results of his slacking, you'll make it easier for your manager to spot what's going on.

And along similar lines, who are these employees the slacker is spending so much time visiting with? If they have the same objections you do, can you get them to stop enabling him? Ideally, when he stops by to chat, they'd be too busy to talk.

2. On the question of how to talk to your boss: Some of this depends on your relationship with your boss and what she's like. (Yes, I'm assigning genders at random.) If you have a good relationship with her and she's known to value directness over protocol, I'd just tell her straight out: "Hey, I'm not sure if it's appropriate to raise this, but I'm concerned about how often Bob tries to get me to take on his work. I'm happy to help when it's needed, but I see him chronically spending an enormous amount of time socializing rather than working, and I feel like he wouldn't need my help if he focused on work more. Can you give me advice about how to handle this?"

Notice that this is couched in terms of asking for her advice on how you should handle it, rather than you dumping it in her lap to handle. If she's a good boss, she's going to handle it herself anyway -- hopefully by paying more attention to how Bob is spending his time and addressing it with him if she sees that there's an issue. But by asking her advice, you make it less about "tattling" and more about seeking her guidance.

Of course, there's still an element of tattling in it. But tattling shouldn't always get a bad rap -- there are some things you should tell your manager about. Even the most perceptive manager won't see everything that goes on, and when someone is taking advantage of that, it's nice to be clued in.

Not every manager agrees with me on this, but personally, I appreciate it when a good employee gives me a discreet heads-up about something I might not have known about on my own. Of course, they need to realize that my take on it might differ from theirs, but as long as they're okay with that, I'm always grateful to be filled in on something that might be a problem.

Good luck, and please let us know how it goes.

co-existing with a control freak secretary

A reader writes:

The secretary in our office has been there for 35 years and likes to control "her" environment. A few of us have occupied a portable building for the past 5 years and recently we have all been temporarily moved back into the main building. It is very crowded and every single one of us is having to be inconvenienced in some degree and we are all dealing with it with a good attitude... except the secretary.

For starters, she is OCD (did not have a trash can in her house for 10 years, she would take every piece of trash out to the curb, cannot sleep if she knows there is ONE empty coat hanger in the closet because they belong in the laundry room). She cannot stand trash in her trash can under her desk. She either takes it out side or goes and puts it in someone else's trash can. She has to know where everyone is and when they left and when they are coming back, how late did someone come in, how many phone calls, etc.

My new temporary location is in an office adjoining her reception area. There is a door on each side of my office, one between her and me and one on the opposite wall. Until now this room was the "copy & file room" and because of the two doors was also used as a convenient pass-through to the other side of the building. There is a real hallway to the other offices and it is not at all necessary to use this pass through my office. In order to accommodate all the additional equipment and furniture that came into the main building with us, I have proposed closing and blocking the door between her area and mine with one of the copiers. This will also provide each of us with some privacy. She is throwing a shoe about this. She "says" she doesn't mind us keeping the door shut but doesn't want to put the copier in front of it. She doesn't have a real reason (that she will admit) but she has hinted that maybe it isn't safe or maybe for ADA reasons.

As I mentioned, she is the self appointed hall monitor and doesn't hesitate to report anything that she doesn't like. She is a regular busy body. She has also lied to me, saying that it was not her who had the problem with it but really our supervisor. I have two witnesses that heard otherwise on two different occasions. She has approached our Safety Point of Contact and asked him if he could get a ruling from someone at district office. He knows what's going on and doesn't want to touch it either. The real reason is just about control and she just plain does not deal well with any sort of changes.

Our supervisor does not like confrontations and does all he can to keep peace without upsetting anyone, to the point of riding the fence. I know he doesn't want to deal with this sort of petty issues and I agree. I do not want to even speak to him about it because it is so ridiculous, but someone needs to put her back on her chain. How do I stand my ground on this without getting into a cat fight? I don't want to bring myself to her level.

First, thank you for an entertaining letter and introducing me to the phrase "throwing a shoe," which I will be using in the future!

You have two options:

1. You can try just ignoring all this. You are clearly aggravated and I can understand why. But if you step back and look at her behavior, it's pretty minor. She's annoying, for sure, but ultimately none of this sounds truly harmful.

2. You can try standing up to her, calmly and rationally. Just move the copier against the door if you want to. If she complains to you, tell her it was the best solution to accommodate all the furniture. When she continues complaining about it, tell her that you have to focus on getting your work done and can't discuss it further. If she goes into busy body mode wanting to know where you or someone else has been, calmly tell her, "You don't need to keep track of where people are." You won't change her snooping, but she might learn not to talk to you about it, which will cut down on your aggravation. (For any of this, you want your tone to be pleasant but firm -- almost matter-of-fact; don't make it personal.)

However. It sounds like your company is full of people who don't want to deal with her and thus won't stand up to her. So if your supervisor ends up asking you to move the copier back to appease her, you'll have decide how committed you are to standing your ground. That would be a ridiculous request, but it sounds like you're working with people who are willing to accommodate her behavior at everyone else's expense, so I'd be prepared for the possibility.

The real problem here, of course, is whatever manager is permitting her to disrupt the environment in this way, rather than addressing her behavior with her head-on. So ultimately you can only control how you respond to it. Both options above limit how much you get drawn into her craziness, which is the main goal with this kind of person.

protecting your time from long-winded interlopers

When you're racing to get something done on a deadline and you get interrupted by a long-winded caller, do you:
(a) Let them talk, trying to politely hint that you don't have much time
(b) Say, "I'm actually short on time right now. Could I call you back?"

Far more people do (a) than (b) -- because people want to be nice and aren't sure how to nicely protect their time, or if it's even possible to do it nicely. It seems to me that people often get so focused on wanting to be nice to the long-winded caller or visitor that they forget that -- when at work -- we have a larger obligation to use our time in the ways that are most effective. And yes, it can be done without being rude. Here are some principles to use (all of these assume that your job isn't to take long-winded people's phone calls):

1. Your obligation to the long-winded caller is to be polite as you're ending the call, but it's not to allow them to cut into time that you could be better spending on something else.

2. White lies are made for this situation. Say "I've got to run to a meeting that's about to start" or "I have someone standing right here waiting to talk to me" or "I've got to grab this other call coming in" or "I'm on deadline" or whatever. If the person ignores you, repeat it again firmly -- right away, not after letting them go on for another five minutes.

3. Set a time limit for the call at the very start, such as "I've only got a minute to talk" or "I appreciate the phone call but only have a second to talk."

4. If the above doesn't work, don't be afraid to interrupt a long-winded person who doesn't pause to take a breath or let you get a word in. Remember, you are responsible for how you spend your time; they don't control it.

5. If the interruption is in person and the interloper won't leave your office, stand up with some papers in hand. Sometimes this alone signals that you have something else to do. If the signal doesn't take, say, "I've got to run these down the hall."

The general idea that you should take control of your own time applies in other ways too: For instance, if you're a manager who finds it hard to focus because an employee interrupts you with questions throughout the day, ask the person to save up their questions and ask them in bunches. Or if someone asks you to do something right away that's less of a priority than what you're working on, say "I need to finish this first, but I'll get to it as soon as I can." (Although if it's your boss, reword it to: "If I do this immediately, it'll delay X"; this gives her the chance to tell you that X is less important after all.)

The key point is to be nicely assertive and not let others control your day.

dealing with a jerk at work

A reader writes:

How does one, in a professional way, stop someone from picking on you in the office? I know, it sounds like something straight out of grade school but it is happening to me as an adult.

What this person does: in meetings, he often makes snide, sarcastic asides and jokes. He has a reputation for being sarcastic, and bordering on the disrespectful. He also is a crucial part of the organization with his technical skills. And of course, he outranks me.

A lot of the time, in meetings, he will crack a joke and then say "X can do that" or "I'm pretty sure X will do a good job at it" and then snicker -- X being me. In the past few months he has been doing that, I have taken the strategy of avoid him at all costs and just ignore his comments. Lately, however, the comments have been getting more and more frequent and I am afraid that it is getting to the point I have to put a stop to it. The problem is how do I do it in a professional way without losing my temper?

I am usually quiet and introverted by nature and not usually quick to spar verbally with someone. Also, this person is quick-witted and I am afraid any attempts by me to go tit for tat will end up with him winning and me looking foolish.

Yeah, I wouldn't try sparring with him -- not because he'll win but because no one who does this look good. I think what I'd do in this situation, the next time it happens, is to just say calmly, with no -- and I mean NO -- hint of hostility or defensiveness, "What do you mean?" And I would say it each and every time he does it. People who do this kind of thing rely on no one just responding normally, so my hunch is that he'll pretty quickly stop.

The other option is to talk to him privately and tell him that you're not sure how to take his comments, but that's much more confrontational, which most people would rather avoid.

I'm hoping others will chime in with thoughts as well.

Oh, and this guy is an ass.

irritated by interrupting coworker

A reader writes:

Here's something kind of petty, but it's getting to me. Every time I ask my supervisor a question, one of my colleagues (who sits next to my supervisor) butts in and starts answering the question too. Suddenly what could be a quiet, 2-minute discussion is turned into a loud conversation. Grrrr. Every time he does this it throws me off track.

Why do people find the need to interfere in this way? Don't they have enough work to do? Do they really have to prove to the world how knowledgeable they are every second of the day?

Ah, I'm probably being hypersensitive because this guy is not great at his job -- lazy and disorganized -- but is a champion schmoozer, very self-satisfied. So you'll probably tell me to just grow up, and rightly so, but I'm hoping someone will have some insight so I can control my irritation better.

No way, I'm not going to tell you to grow up over this. It drives me crazy too. I think there's only one way to make it stop, and that's to address it head-on. The next time it happens, say something like, "Actually, I really wanted to get Jill's input on this. Would you give us a minute?" If he doesn't back off, say it again: "Thanks. Actually, I really want to talk to Jill about it." Say it nicely but be firm about it.

As for your question about why he does it ... Insecurity might be at work. You mentioned that he's not that great at his job, and if he realizes that at some level, pushing his opinions on all who will listen probably pumps him up in his own head. Doesn't mean you have to accommodate him though.

taking it personally

A reader writes:

I would like to get your advice on an incident at work. I was wondering if this warrants talking to my supervisor and if so, what approach I should take in speaking with her. The incident has left a bad taste in my mouth and I am compelled to search for other employment.

I asked X and Y for help/clarification on a procedure to send out District email mailings. Specifically I was asking what the codes meant on the Widget function so that I can understand what I am doing when I choose the Widget codes for each District mailing.

X and Y came to my desk and explained in a very muddled and hurried way what the codes meant and what needs to be done to implement them. They went to my screen and in a very fast way had me do the steps needed to create the target groups and to exclude the newly created group from the mailing recipient target group. They then told me these steps need to be taken with each and every District (eight of them). They then left with me feeling more confused and bewildered rather than confident that I had been properly trained on a crucial skill I need to do the job I was tasked to do.

My complaints:

1) The questions involved highly technical steps using the fields in the Membership database. I should have been given the steps in a more controlled, deliberate and organized way instead of given a muddled, hurried run-through.

2) They should make it clear that they will follow up and make sure that the steps I took were correct and that I did not make a mistake. They are in charge of the membership database, after all, and any functions that involve using it correctly they should have oversight.

3) Sending out District emails involves a very public way of communicating with our Association members. Any mistakes and technical issues reflect badly on our Association as an organization. The lack of care and muddled way they handled teaching me how to address an important aspect of the District mailings sends the wrong message to me on the care we take in communicating with our members.

4) Finally, as a colleague and professional who they have to interact with day to day, I just feel like I have been disrespected and left to muddle through, by trial and error, a complicated, technical procedure that has implications for communicating with our members. This is very much unnecessary as they could have simply explained to me what needs to be done, asked me if I had questions, and provided any technical assistance or documentation for any technical details beyond my capabilities. Better yet, they could have simply answered my emails and given me the steps I need to do in writing so I have documentation on what I need to do step by step instead of having to muddle through the steps by memory and guesswork.

What I hear in your letter is that you're taking personally something that isn't personal. Would it have been better if they had done the things you suggest? Of course. But most people aren't expert trainers; they muddle through as best they can. If someone who is training you in something isn't giving you what you need, you need to speak up and tell them that you need more help. If you have questions, ask them. If you need to see it demonstrated more than once, ask. If you want to have something in writing to refer to, ask for that (or write down your own notes as you go and ask them to review them for accuracy). If you want them to review your work after you use the new skills for the first time, ask. If you ask directly and still don't get what you need, ask your supervisor if there are other resources available to you to learn the skills needed.

There's nothing in your letter that indicates this was intended as disrespect to you or that it was in any way personal. But what I do hear are very loud alarm bells going off in my head about your attitude, not theirs. I'm going to be blunt here: You can't expect to have everything at work spoon-fed to you, you need to speak up when you need clarification, you can't get offended when people don't know precisely what you need when you haven't asked for it, and quitting over this would signal to any future employer that you're dangerously high-maintenance. Do you really want to be that employee?

incompetent coworkers

Two readers write in with the same problem.

Reader #1 writes:

I have a co-worker who has been here for a period of 8 months, and we are part of a team – she loads items to be placed onto the site that I work for (and is the basis of our company) and I keep in touch with the publishers/accounts. Since this past November, she has not been taking notes, placed the wrong items on-site losing sales for the company and discrediting the company's reputation, and is general a hassle to work with.

I have made some of these items known to my manager this past November; however, I am ready to take a more detailed approach to my manager in hopes of being re-teamed with another member of the team or getting this co-worker some additional training. I don't want to seem like a tattletale or pointing fingers, but I'm a hard worker and it's bringing my efforts down.

Any thoughts on how I should approach my manager and still seem a team player (and have the best efforts of the company in mind)?

And Reader #2 writes:

I'm a communications coordinator and am having difficulties working with my web person/colleague, J. J. does not report directly to me (or my supervisor) but because a number of my projects involve the web, I find myself working with her often and in a project management role.

This past year has been very difficult and distressing in working with her. Firstly, her skill level is far below what is required in her position. What this has resulted in is many web projects that go through a "trial and error" process (reply forms not working, poor design/navigation, broken links, "page under construction", etc.) - often for as long as a year. The quality of her work is not an accurate measure/reflection of my work, and this is what I'm most concerned about. I've been assessed as a top performer in my department and have worked hard to gain credibility among my directors. However, I fear that my work suffers whenever I am paired with J. And, as this is the web medium, much of the final product is viewed publicly, more often with my name attached to the project rather than hers.

Her performance standards are also lacking in her punctuality (late for meetings), missing priority deadlines (she will miss important deadlines or provide them at 4:30 pm on the day it is due), and there is a general feeling of resentment in the department (not from me, but others) that she is unfairly granted extended vacations when she does not have the seniority (or the performance record) to do so.

I have researched and produced a business case study outlining my needs for having a web person with considerably higher skill qualifications to achieve my communication plan goals and objectives. The proposal is sound, with the input and support by others outside of my department who have also struggled in working with J's shortcomings. Unfortunately, we are not in a budget position to create a new position, which means she's not going anywhere fast. I have also resorted to documenting our emails and tasks in order to make sure that I'm covered when it comes to deliverables that she has said she would complete in time, which often expends a lot of my time and energy away from my own workload.

Complicating matters even further - J's boss is completely passive and avoids conflict resolution at all costs. He asked me to provide comments on Js performance review earlier this year - and I reiterated my business case proposal and cited specific examples of where I felt she needed to be coached/supported in either correcting her mistakes or producing deliverables in a timely fashion. That was eight months ago and nothing has improved, and I've been asked again to provide a performance review as she approaches surpassing her midpoint salary grade.

What can I do in a situation like this? I can see no end in sight of having to work with her and with more large (and visible) projects looming in the next year, I'm becoming increasingly agitated by her performance. Also, this is preventing me from adding projects to my own portfolio and in submitting my work for industry awards, because the end product looks like crap.

Okay, this is one of my favorite topics. First, I want to note that the standard advice when you have a crappy coworker is to keep your mouth shut unless the coworker is interfering with your ability to do your job and get results. As it happens, in both your cases, she is. However, since we're discussing it, I want to mention that I don't always agree with that limit. As a manager, I want to know if my people are getting demoralized by a coworker's shoddy performance, even if it's not impacting their work directly. And I want to know what they might be observing that I haven't picked up on, so I can pay closer attention. To be clear, I don't want to hear about it repeatedly, but I do appreciate a one-time heads-up, delivered in a discreet, professional way, if it comes from a solid employee. Does every manager share this stance? No, of course not. But I believe plenty of the good ones do.

Okay, back to the questions. In your cases, the coworkers are affecting your ability to get good results, so this is pretty clear cut. Go to your manager with specific examples of the problem (feel free to take notes in with you to keep your thoughts organized). Keep it impersonal and unemotional -- keep your tone even and measured, not frustrated -- and explain that you feel uncomfortable bringing this to the manager but it's affecting your own results and the company overall. Ask her how you should handle it.

For Reader #2, your nemesis has a different boss from you, and he's passive. That's fine -- that's where your boss comes in. Your boss can address the issue with the other boss directly and if she doesn't get what she needs, she can escalate it to her own boss. (And when you talk with your boss, make sure to mention you've provided feedback to the other boss in the past and it hasn't made a difference.) If your own boss shies away from confrontation, you may have to nudge her -- but hopefully you have a decent boss who will do her job and address this crap. And if you don't, honestly, get out -- if you have a passive boss, you'll never be able to get what you need.

By the way, as a side note: In some situations I'd advise talking to the coworker directly first and seeing if you can solve anything that way. But I'm becoming increasingly convinced that incompetence of this sort rarely changes, at least not without some extreme hands-on management by a vigilant boss.

am I being frozen out?

A reader writes:

I was wondering if what I am feeling is just paranoia or if I may be on to something. I have been getting the sense in the past few weeks that my stock as an employee in our company has fallen dramatically. My boss hasn't mentioned anything to me nor has anyone else. I am just getting this feeling because:

1) In meetings whereas before I felt certain people listened to me and took what I said seriously, now I feel like they are cutting me off mid-sentence whenever I speak.
2) People higher up than me are either not showing up or canceling meetings with me on projects I am working on.
3) I feel like I am not privy to important decisions and information being passed around on projects and am not included in "unofficial" meetings after hours, behind closed doors, etc.

I'm a midlevel technical person. I am not a director. So perhaps I shouldn't feel as if I am being slighted here since I am not a boss. But then again, how come I have this pervasive feeling that I have fallen out of favor among people I work with?

I have regular weekly update meeting with my boss. Are these type of issues appropriate to discuss with her or do I risk being perceived as a whiner in addition to the other stuff?

Talk to your boss. I'm glad your instinct is to ask about this candidly rather than to worry privately, and I would definitely want you to raise it if I were your boss -- so that I could either reassure you if there's no issue or use it as an opening to talk if there is. However, in the interests of not sounding too paranoid if indeed this is all inconsequential, I'd tone it down a little. Consider that you might be completely wrong and that what you're noticing isn't about you at all (but rather about situations that have nothing to do with you), and allow that possibility to inform your tone when you raise this. Good luck, and please let us know how it goes!

mob pressure to join coworkers for lunch

A reader writes:

I'm a new employee at a software company. I'd thought I'd seen every eccentricity possible in the high tech workplace, but here's one new to me:

Every day at 12:30 PM one of my co-workers approaches my cube to announce, "Lunch time! We're going to lunch!" There's an air of importance and drama in this statement. But it turns out that all everybody's doing is grabbing their lunches from the fridge and sitting together in the lunch room down the hall. So I've declined a few times -- a couple days I wasn't hungry at exactly 12:30 PM, a couple times I just wanted to go for a walk instead.

Well! I really stepped into it!

If I decline the invitation of the first co-worker to go to the lunchroom, then a second co-worker will mosey over to my cube to announce "Lunch!" If I decline the invitation of the second co-worker, there are peeved expressions all around: it seems I have ruined everybody's plans by choosing to spend my mid-day hour without them.

Let me be clear: we're not factory workers doing delicately timed shift work. We're salaried professionals allegedly empowered to come and go as our work allows. I'm completely baffled by the anxiety I seem to provoke with my refusals to lunch with my co-workers. I think I'm being polite and impersonal -- how can I reassure my co-workers the day will proceed fine whether or not I join them in the lunchroom?

I quite enjoyed this question. Is literally everyone eating together except you, or are there other hold-outs as well?

Despite my firm belief that this is ridiculous, if it's literally everyone I'm going to recommend that you suck it up and eat with them occasionally -- maybe once a week. You're apparently in a culture where this is expected and refusals are taken personally. While I agree that it's ridiculous, you are likely to find that participating on occasion will pay off in terms of your professional relationships, ability to get things done in your office, and possible even advancement in this company. As someone who generally prefers to eat on my own (usually at my desk, while working), I totally sympathize with you. But if this is the culture there, it's the culture, and that stuff really can impact other aspects of your job.

However, it sounds like you might already be eating with them some of the time, and it's your preference to simply not do so every day that's causing the kerfluffle. If this is the case, (a) you have really bizarre coworkers who have lost touch with normalcy and (b) you can likely solve it by being straightforward: "Sorry to miss it. I've got some stuff I have to take care of at lunch today." ... or "I promised myself I'd finish this piece of the project before taking lunch today." ... or whatever excuse you come up. Give them some sort of reason to grab on to, and it won't feel as much like a snub to them. (Not that it should feel like a snub, but that's another issue entirely.)

Alternately, you can address it head-on once and hopefully not have to do it again. For instance: "Hey, I don't mean to offend you guys when I don't eat with you every day. I really like eating with you all, but sometimes I like to take walks at lunch, so don't be offended when I'm not there every day." And if you really want to soothe them, be extra friendly on the days when you do join them.

I, for one, would go crazy, so good luck with it! (And let us know what happens; the part of me that takes pleasure in such bizarre situations is dying to know how this evolves.)

should I speak up more in meetings?

A reader writes:

I am not sure if this is a real problem or something trivial that I perceive as a problem. So far it hasn't yet resulted in any repercussions but it always has me worried and paranoid.

The situation: I am more of a soft-spoken, mild-mannered type who considers himself a good listener. The problem is that I don't really speak up in meetings. I mostly listen and take notes and try to understand what is going on and being said. I am not sure if this is harming me in the long run in terms of how my colleagues and those in the upper ranks perceive me, whether they see my being quiet as a problem or if this tendency indicates a negative mark in my character.

So far no one has said anything but I can't help but feel self-conscious when everyone seems to be piping up with opinions and ideas and I remain silent in meetings trying to understand it all and take it all in. When I have an opinion or an idea, I do pipe in but most of the time I find myself on the listening end rather than the talking end.

I know that being more outgoing can be a big plus in the work world where social skills matter as much as your actual professional skills. I was wondering what advice you can give for me to gauge whether or not my being reserved is a potential problem or not.

Some of your colleagues are probably grateful to you for speaking up only when you have something worth saying and not being one of those people who has input on everything. That said, it's a good thing to be thinking about. I have two pieces of advice:

First, I think you're right to recognize the value in participating. Even if you don't have a new idea to offer, there are other ways to add to the conversation. For instance, if someone says something that you don't find clear, ask them to expand on what they mean. Or if someone offers an idea that you think is a good one, say so. That sort of contribution can make you a valued part of a conversation. After all, participation isn't just about offering new ideas -- it's also about helping to refine or clarify others' ideas and being someone who makes people feel their input is useful and valuable. (Sometimes I think people don't do the latter because they think they're too junior for a more senior person to care about their praise -- but it's actually not true. Everyone loves to hear, "That's a great point.")

Second, rather than continuing to wonder, you could ask your boss directly for feedback on this. It's okay to be direct and say something similar to what you wrote above. For instance, you could say, "I've been thinking lately about how I come across in meetings because I realize I don't speak up as much as others. I listen actively and I do speak up when I have contributions to make, but I wonder if you'd prefer for me to be more involved." It might lead to a good conversation about other strengths your boss values in you, or ways he/she would like to see you develop.